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Team Fortress 2: The Heavy Update
It was a warm summer evening, I was alone by myself alone in my house alone (Which I don’t share with anyone) playing my favorite computer video game Team Fortress 2. I have been playing since day 1 and the Heavy Update had just released, I was so excited that I peed my pants. Anyway, I booted up TF2, but something was very terribly wrong. On the main menu, there was a picture of the heavy, but he didn’t have eyes. Probably just a graphical mistake. Also, the music was backwards…..odd. Anyway, I thought to myself maybe this was just a glitch with the new update. Things often break with new updates, so it seemed perfectly reasonable. I went to the Mann Co. Store to see if there was anything new added. What I saw was shocking! The item server was offline! But there was 6 new taunts on the screen. One of Scout vomiting lime green gooey shit out of his mouth, One of Spy doing the Orange Justice dance, one of Engie erecting an erection, Soldier committing a war crime (I can’t put it here or else the government will get mad at me), Pyro taking his god damn mask off, holy shitballs man, and the Heavy crying hyper realistic tears. (Probably just a glitch lol) "Man, these new taunt submissions from the workshop sure are weird" I thought to myself. When I clicked on the Heavy taunt, it said I could take it for a test run, which was weird because I thought you could only do that for weapons. So I did it, and booooy let me tell ya, that was a huge fuckin' mistake, alright? Even though the item server was down, the game still let me equip and preview the taunt as if nothing was wrong at all. As the taunt played in my inventory, Heavy weeped and said “You should've never downloaded this update” (he sounded like Thanos). The game closed to my desktop. "What the fuck is going on?" I thought to my very self, as I looked at my Pokemon Hentai wallpaper. I opened up the game again and it was just a black screen with 2 options; Play and Quit. (I use semicolons because I’m smart :)) I chose play and it loaded into 2fort except it was dark and ScaAAAaaAry, oooOooo! “Did they leak the halloween maps by accident?” I thought to myself as I chose the BLU team. I was about to choose Heavy, but I noticed something. He had a devili sh wide smile on his face, and his eyes was bloodshot…….. Oh well, probably another glitch. Anyways, I walked out of the spawn room and the first thing I saw was a t-posing Demoman staring at me WITH TWO EYES! Holy flipping ding dong boogers, isn't that quite something, huh? I decided to head out to the balcony and saw 12 identical snipers scoped in on seemingly nothing, like they were statues. I stared at them for like, 5 seconds, and then they all said at the same time in a very demonic voice: "HMHMHMHMHM, IT'S LOIK CHRISTMAS MORNIN'. Suddenly, a RED Scout jumped out of the opposing fortress as the snipers immediately locked onto his head and fired, then Scout’s head exploded a hyper-realistic head explosion. “Wow, they really upgraded the gib engine” I thought to myself. Anyways, I went down from the balcony and strolled across the bridge when I heard a weird ass noise behind me. It was a Medic, except he had no team colors. I pressed E to call out for him, but the Medic didn’t respond. Instead he turned into dust and the dust got in my eyes. Ouchy! Probably just a glitch. Anyways, I made my way into RED base, and I saw a circle of RED Engineers whispering some demonic-ass satanic shit. In the middle of the circle came out a dispenser. On the despenser there was no arrow to show how much metal was left, only a blurry picture of a victorian-era (The scariest era) girl sitting by herself. She started to let out a blood curdling scream, and the Engies started to scream too.. Startled by this, I revved up my minigun and opened fire on the Engineers, as their bodies fell to the ground in a very hyper-realistic manner with hyper-realistic blood flowing out of their hyper-realistic bullet wounds, which were hyper-realistic. How shocking! Anyway, I moved on into the RED base, when I reached to the usual sentry spot, I noticed the sky turned red, and it was raining hyper-realistic blood. My Heavy said in a demonic voice "Cry some more." That was weird…. So anyway, I walk up to the RED team's intelligence room entrance, and I saw a Spy from my team. He saw me, and walked up to me, and told me the following. "HHNNGGGGHH, MISS PAULING, I'M TRYING TO SNEAK TO THE INTELLIGENCE ROOM, BUT I'M HYPER-REALISTIC THICC, AND THE CLAP OF MY HYPER-REALISTIC ASS CHEEKS KEEPS ALERTING THE PYRO'S!" ……………. Unfortunately, he made the fatal mistake of clapping his hyper-realistic ass cheeks one too many times, and suddenly a gang of gibusvision pyros roasted him alive, hyper-realistically. So after that interesting series of events, I walked down the corridors to the intel room….but I noticed the corridors were getting longer and longer and longer…. I knew what to do. I positioned myself against the stairs and began to perform a backwards long jump, building up speed until I was able to clip past the teleport wall that would send me back forever. So I tried to walk down again, and success, I got into the intel room, except it was completely black, and there was no intelligence. What I saw instead was the Administrator in some sort of space-ish room. It was RD_Asteroid! I can't believe it, it was amazing! But then she said to me "Very well done Heavy Weapons Guy, but you're not supposed to b-be here….Go back to where you came from and forget all about this, until……..You'll see. Then I teleported in to TC_Hyrdo. Suddenly, the Heavy began to perform the crying taunt, but I didn’t press the taunt key! He kept crying and crying and it was getting louder and louder, and it went on and on and I was about to smash my PC with a hammer when suddenly, he stopped. He started to smile. “All my friends are dead. You killed them hundreds of times playing your silly games, and now, your next” Then he turned into a freaking lime green Scout, and my pc turned off. So did the lights in my lonely house which I lived in by myself with nobody else (which I don't share with anyone) I heard a weird noise behind me, and what I saw still terrifies me to this very day. It was the lime green Scout, except his grin was extremely wide (like that of a cheshire cat) and his eyes, his goddamn eyes, was bulging and hyper-realistic-realistic, and his laugh was even more annoying than ingame. After that, I went to sleep like nothing happened and had a good night’s rest. Next morning I woke up in a space-like room, and I looked to the left and saw the Administrator from before. She had handed me an iPhone 3G from 2009 with 16 gigabytes of storage, and there was one phone number in the contacts list: Gabe Newell. I decided to call him, and after a few moments I heard him pick up the phone “Hello, this is Gabe Newell from Valve software, how can I help you?” I explained to him everything that had happened yesterday and he began to cry “How did you see all of that? You weren’t supposed to see that!” I thought it was just the normal Heavy Update I explained. “No, what you saw was the nether dimension where we keep our souls. You see, the nine classes aren’t just fictional characters, they’re ghosts we captured and installed onto our valve servers to use as the characters for our newest video computer entertainment game, Team Fortress 2. And now that you’re here, that means we’ve collected your soul. Welcome to Team Fortress 2… the 10th class.” Muahahahahahaaaahhh! A new Team Fortress 2 update has arrived. The major changes include: Added the 10th class Added one-trillion more medals Removed Herobrine Category:COMPUTERS AND INTERWEBZ Category:Vidya games Category:Hyper-realistic Category:Blood Category:Random Capitalization Category:YOU'RE NEXT